I was watching a morning show local to Chicago last week and the hosts mentioned that adulterer uh, Hollywood mover and shaker Ashton Kutcher had bought a round trip ticket for a trip into outer space. In a moment of broadcast brilliance one of the hosts asked the audience what celebrity would we send into outer space on a ONE WAY ticket. Because I’m not one to limit myself in my fantasies, I thought I’d take it a step further and list not just celebrities but any bloody body who bugs me. Here’s my list:

• The entire Republican presidential primary field of 2012. For denigrating the process and turning it into a slug fest in which the goal is to see who can come up with the most outrageous tenet and/or lie.
• E-book pirates. The reason is obvious.
• The entire casts of Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives, MTV’s teen moms series, OchoCinco: The Ultimate Catch and other reality television shows that make us look like we’re devolving instead of evolving. Remember what Carrie’s mom told her before she unadvisedly went to the prom: “They’re all gonna laugh at you…” She was crazy, but she was also right. And then there was nothing but tragedy all around.
• The television/cable stations and production companies that make this possible. To quote Maude: “God’ll get you for that…”
• Rupert Murdoch for creating FOX News Channel and then having the temerity to use the tagline “fair and balanced.” Can you say laughable?
• The United States Congress for putting party politics before anything else, including common sense. A pox on both your Houses.
• The Texas, Oklahoma and Colorado legislatures. There are others, but I’m too disheartened to list them all.
• The so-called Birthers for continually putting forward a known falsity instead of just saying what they really feel, which is “we’re afraid of the ‘uppity Negro.'”
• Jimmy Turner. When we were in the second grade, you —

Clearly, I’ve said enough. Is there anyone you’d like to see travel on a one-way ticket out of here?